Day 5: Beauty
#evolving40 Day 5: #Beauty
I have a tender heart for appreciating the beauty in the world. A vibrant sunset painting the sky will stop my breath in a moment of awe; a vivid poem or swelling chorus will bring tears to my eyes. Web videos about the beauty of connection (older couples still in love, unlikely animal friends) make me weep -- especially when they’re bright spots in the dark cesspool of recent news.
When it comes to physical beauty, I’ve had to reckon with a $93.5 billion beauty industry like any other American woman (worldwide, the industry’s value is $532 billion). To motivate you to buy the products that make that kind of revenue, companies need to convince you that you’re not beautiful enough just the way you are. “With our help,” they say, “you could look like this.”
“This” is usually the American standard of white beauty: Light, flawless skin. A tall, thin frame with curves in the “right places.’ Silky, voluminous hair. Straight, pearly teeth; doe eyes; straight nose; pouty lips.
People of all genders and ages absorb these messages without realizing it. As a kid, I’d color the girls in my coloring books to be blond, blue-eyed, and peachy-skinned. I played with Barbies whose boobs were so big that in human proportion, those women wouldn’t have been able to walk without faceplanting. At age 13 I wanted to slim down my athletic build, so for a year I subsisted on salads and tofu and abstained from the sweets I loved. At 18 I had cosmetic surgery to remove three moles on my chin that I’d hated my entire life.
I’m reflecting a lot on beauty as I get older. My body has changed after growing and feeding two children. These children have aged me like a president in many ways; my eyes are perpetually tired and my hair is graying at the temples.
So I can age more gracefully and not make as many jokes about my wizened visage, I’ve been practicing some reframing: The crow’s feet are actually laugh lines. Each gray hair reflects a hard-won bit of wisdom and is transforming me into a Silver Vixen (that is, a female Silver Fox). Even if I don’t love every new wrinkle or curve, I can still thank my body for being my vehicle for creating my kids and moving me through the world.
Thanks to stylist Hilary Rushford, I’ve also been thinking about what makes me feel beautiful versus what anyone else thinks. At the community pool last year I had an epiphany: My body doesn’t exist for anyone’s gaze -- especially the male gaze -- so I was the only one I had to please. Whichever swimsuit made me feel confident is the one I was going to wear.
I’m not sure how I’ll emerge from quarantine in terms of beauty. It’s been nice not to have to think about it and wear my standard home uniform of t-shirt and shorts, glasses, and a messy bun. When I do choose to put in contacts, wear makeup and jewelry, and blow dry my hair, it’ll be with more awareness of what makes me feel beautiful -- not what the world is expecting from me.
** The short video “Be a Lady, They Said” is a must-watch on the impossible pressures on women (heads up on nudity/adult themes): **
* How I’ve evolved: Rejecting that my body exists for the male gaze (or anyone else’s). Realizing that “skinny” is not a compliment. Understanding the insane and contradictory pressures our culture puts on women in terms of beauty.
* How I’m evolving: Reframing my imperfections as quirks, not flaws. Redefining beauty for different seasons of life and focusing on what makes me feel beautiful. Teaching my kids not to comment on other people’s bodies. Looking to role models like Lizzo who don’t fit the cookie cutter standard of beauty but feel good as hell about themselves anyway.
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If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:
- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.
- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
- Length and format are up to you.
- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.
- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be!
