Day 21: Connection

Jul 6

Right now we’re living through a period where we humans are incredibly disconnected from each other in some ways and more connected than ever in others.

Quarantine means we can’t engage with people as we used to; human rights and public safety issues disguised as political issues are dividing us.

At the same time, we’ve found new ways to connect and have sought them out in ways we wouldn’t have in normal times. Musicians have live-streamed concerts from home; neighbors sing for each other and applaud health workers from their city balconies. My extended family on the West Coast has gathered via Zoom biweekly, more often than we ever have in person; Darren and I have laughed our heads off playing virtual Jackbox games with several groups of friends and family. I’ve spent more time with my kids, even after they started their summer programs, because we’re home so much.

As humans, we’re born wired for connection. It’s a matter of survival, both for helpless infants and for tribal societies who depended on one another. A landmark Harvard study tracked subjects’ well-being over 75 years and concluded one thing unequivocally, according to Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development:

“Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

"It's not just the number of friends you have, and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship,” Waldinger said. “It's the quality of your close relationships that matters."

In other words, it’s the strength of our connections.

I feel incredibly fortunate to have the caliber of friends and family that I do, people who truly care about me and others. My relationships are the foundation of my life, and the regular connections with my loved ones are my greatest joy. These can come in texts or phone calls; FaceTime or social media exchanges; whether silly or serious, they mean a lot.

This period of collective awakening is calling us to not only strengthen the connections we already have, but also to branch out from our usual circles and find ways to connect across differences. As I’ve realized that most of the content I consume (podcasts, books, magazines, TV shows) is made by white people of privilege, I’ve been seeking to diversify those sources. Facebook affinity groups, Instagram feeds, newsletters, and other media allow us to connect meaningfully with people we would have never known otherwise.

Right now I’m listening to a hilarious essay collection on audiobook that’s become an instant favorite: Samantha Irby’s “Wow, No Thank You.” I’m tickled by how even though we’re different in many ways -- she’s Black, grew up in a suburb of Chicago, and is married to a woman; I’m half-Chinese, grew up in Sonoma, CA, and I’m married to a man -- I GET her. We were born the same year and have a shared pool of references: the angsty allure of Troy Dire from Reality Bites, for example, and painstakingly recorded mix tapes. She’s a young soul like me, baffled by adulting, and listening to her book, I feel a strong sense of connection.

If you’re feeling disconnected, find little ways to reconnect with people each day. Text an old friend when a shared memory pops into your head. Wave to your neighbors with a smile as you pass them. Find a podcast made by someone who would totally get you. Comment on the social media posts of the people you love.

As humans, we all need to feel seen and connected, especially now.

* How I’ve evolved: I invest time every day into my relationships because I know how valuable they are to my well-being. I make a point of connecting meaningfully with each member of my family and saying, “I love you.”

* How I’m evolving: If a social media post resonates with me, I take the time to comment on it. Often it leads to a connection with the person who shared the post, as well as others in their network whom it spoke to, as well.

Link:

Harvard study on a fulfilling life

Brené Brown on connection during the pandemic

If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:

- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.

- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”

- Length and format are up to you.

- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.

- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.