Day 14: Gratitude

Jun 29

As I sit on my living room couch writing this, my perfectionist eyes see everything that’s amiss around me. Mail to be sorted, kids’ toys to be put away, little piles of random clutter of items that don’t have a designated home yet. It’s like I’m wearing dirty glasses, and all I can see is grime.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “We often ask, ‘What’s wrong?’ Doing so, we invite painful seeds of sorrow to come up and manifest. We feel suffering, anger, and depression, and produce more such seeds. We would be much happier if we tried to stay in touch with the healthy, joyful seeds inside of us and around us. We should learn to ask, ‘What’s not wrong?’ and be in touch with that.” (Aside: I’m not a fan of the “should,” but “We can” is a good substitute for “We should.”)

Gratitude is a powerful tool to stop the anxiety spiral about everything that’s wrong and needs to be fixed. Today I had a too-busy day for work and family life, with several deadlines converging. On top of that, Evan needed to see the doctor because of a minor infection. (Also, we were running out of milk -- the list goes on.)

Several times today I had to pause, look around me, and ask, “What’s not wrong?” The answer, as always, is plenty: I have a safe home and enough to eat; meaningful work that can be done remotely; my health, and a circle of loved ones who have my back. And today, I was able to get a same-day appointment with a skilled doctor nearby, treat Evan to a slushy for being brave, and pick up medicine at the pharmacy on the way home. I'm grateful for all of it.

As Brené Brown writes, “Practicing gratitude invites joy into our lives.” Doing my 3 Good Things daily gratitude practice on Facebook noticeably boosted my optimism, which isn’t surprising. I’d spend 30-60 minutes per night savoring that day’s joys in vivid detail, looking at my daily highlight reel of photos and really letting it all sink into my bones. Then other people would share their good things and celebrate mine, and we’d compound the joy.

It’s important to me that my kids cultivate gratitude, too -- to say thank-you when people help them, and take turns sharing what they’re grateful for at the dinner table (we all do). It’s especially lovely when Evan says, “I’m grateful for the delicious dinner Daddy made,” and Avery says, “I’m grateful for you, Mommy.”

* How I’ve evolved: With practice, I’ve become more aware of my gratitudes throughout the day, even in stressful moments.

* How I’m evolving: Learning to use those gratitudes to shift me into a more optimistic and generative headspace. When I’m feeling stressed, the Glad Game is an even easier prompt than “What’s not wrong?” -- “I’m glad that....it’s sunny today….that the kids are getting along.” Eventually, repeating this will shift my mood.

Links:

Shawn Achor’s 6 exercises for happiness

Brené Brown on Joy and Gratitude

If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:

- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.

- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”

- Length and format are up to you.

- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.

- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.