Day 15: Compassion
#evolving40 Day 15: #Compassion
It’s taken me nearly 40 years to realize that in moments of discomfort, my go-to reactions are annoyance and anger. If someone is walking or driving slowly in front of me, I feel my chest tightening with annoyance. If someone acts in a way that I think is unjust or illogical, I can go from zero to ragey in a hot second. This often manifests in family conflict, when I catapult into fight or flight mode.
Over the years, Darren has helped me shift to an “empathy first” approach to conflict, where we try to understand the other’s point of view instead of bulldozing forward with our own agendas. We love each other, right? So we want to help solve the other person’s problem, and there’s no win if the other person loses. It’s a total paradigm shift from my previous M.O.: fighting to win and prove the other person wrong (“In yo face!”).
A step beyond empathy is compassion, says the Greater Good Institute at Berkeley (a fantastic resource for meaningful living): “While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help.”
I used to be quick to judge and criticize, being as hard on other people as I was on myself. As I’ve cultivated a first response of empathy and compassion, I’m better at pausing and putting myself in the other person’s shoes before reacting. When someone cuts me off in morning traffic, maybe they’re late to a job interview or their partner is in labor. When my children throw a tantrum, maybe they’re hungry or tired or in need of attention (I may ponder this while taking deep breaths with closed eyes and gritted teeth).
I find it hardest to give myself the compassion that I’ve learned to offer others. I’m still working on talking to myself the way I would to a friend, especially so I can model self-compassion for my kids. Yesterday I was running late for Evan’s doctor’s appointment and took the long route without thinking. I muttered to myself, “Well, that wasn’t very smart,” and realized that my son could see the way I treated myself. Then I said out loud, “I’m going to be kinder to myself. I’m doing my best, and we’ll get there when we get there.”
* How I’ve evolved: Softening, instead of hardening defensively. Replacing judgment with compassion. Trying to practice Ian MacLaren’s advice: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
* How I’m evolving: Getting better at defaulting to empathy first, instead of annoyance and anger. Seeking first to understand before being understood.
Link:
Kristin Neff, Ph.D. “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion” (TEDx talk)
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If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:
- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.
- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
- Length and format are up to you.
- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.
- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
