Day 18: People-Pleasing
#evolving40 Day 18: #PeoplePleasing
Nearly 12 years ago, when I was starting the Reschool Yourself project, I wrote a blog post called “People-Pleasing, Perfectionism, and 10 Reasons to Reschool” that described my tendency to people-please:
“Early in childhood, I learned to sense what people – especially authority figures – wanted from me, and that I would be rewarded for giving it to them. Now, as an adult, the rewards for people-pleasing aren’t so great. I often say yes to commitments just because I’d feel guilty saying no. I regularly sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of others, a story shared by many fellow nonprofiteers and educators. I unconsciously seek a ‘Wow’ factor in the things that I do to replicate the affirmation that I got in school.
I know that I could be more effective, and generally happier, if I could just determine what I wanted to do, and then do it. It sounds simple, but after spending around 20,000 hours* in school doing what was expected of me, I’m out of touch with what I actually want to do.
* A very rough estimate of time I’ve spent in school from kindergarten through college, based on an 180-day average school year during K-12 and a quarter system in college.”
One major perk to getting older is that I’ve learned to care a lot less what people think of me, except for my trusted inner circle, and the people (like you!) who engage in a meaningful way with what I share.
I used to volunteer for things or say yes when invited because I thought I should, or didn’t want to let anyone down. When I’ve said yes without really wanting to, I’ve either backed out later or did the thing and felt resentful, which is not good for anybody.
These days, if my plate is full -- and it usually is, with my full-time job, parenting, and creative projects -- I politely decline without feeling bad about it. As Hilary Rushford says, “You’re the CEO of your life,” and no one else gets to dictate how you choose to live it.
Greg McKeown’s book “Essentialism” steeled my resolve not to people-please. Essentialism is “doing less, but better, so you can make the highest possible contribution.” At the moment, I believe my highest contribution, besides nurturing my family, is learning in public as I heal my perfectionism. If any commitment will compromise that, I'm going to say no.
One of the things I admire most about my kids is that they don’t do things to people-please. They aren’t looking for a pat on the head or a gold star. Even though sometimes I just want them to do things BECAUSE I SAID SO! I think their headstrong nature will serve them well in life, as they’re less likely to be persuaded to do things against their will -- including in dating and relationships, when that time comes.
We all have the right to make our own choices, as long as they don’t infringe on other people’s rights to health and safety -- *wear your mask!* -- and do whatever makes us happy.
* How I’ve evolved: I’ve erased “should” from my vocabulary, except as an intentional shorthand. I say “I could” or “I want to,” and then do the thing or don’t, without guilt or shame.
I don’t spend energy worrying about what people outside of my trusted network think of me.
* How I’m evolving: I’m working on unlearning the blind obedience to authority I learned in school. When I had traditional jobs, I needed validation from my supervisors to know that I’d done well. For this reason, it’s been a healthy change for me to be self-employed.
Links:
Reschool Yourself: People-pleasing, Perfectionism, and Ten Reasons to Reschool
Essentialism, by Greg McKeown
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If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:
- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.
- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
- Length and format are up to you.
- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.
- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
