Day 19: Confidence
#evolving40 Day 19: #Confidence
As someone with strong perfectionist tendencies, I have an overactive and unforgiving inner critic. It magnifies my mistakes and overlooks my victories. Its voice is a low drone in the background of my life, telling me that whatever it is that I happen to be doing, I’m going to mess it up, I’m doing it wrong, and I’m going to ruin everything. With this stream of constant put-downs, it's easy to lose confidence.
In “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway,” Susan Jeffers writes, “Every time you encounter something that forces you to ‘handle it,’ your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way your fears are diminished immeasurably.”
To build confidence that you can cope with any challenge, Jeffers recommends the mantra, “I will handle it.”
The hardest events I've had to handle are Avery and Darren’s multiple hospitalizations in the course of two years. Avery was a preemie who had a 10-day stay in the newborn nursery, then returned to the hospital at 8 months old with pneumonia. Darren developed viral meningitis from what turned out to be West Nile Virus, then returned to the hospital the following year with a different case of viral meningitis.
In all four cases, my family was depending on me not to fall apart in fear and despair, but to care for and advocate for them until they were well. And I did: I communicated with the medical team and kept our networks updated; I went in Darren’s place to a couple of important commitments; I asked for help when I needed it (and so many of our loved ones supported us, for which I will be forever grateful).
Even though I was exhausted and terrified, I was able to shift into a higher gear than I knew I had. I stopped overthinking things and just did them, one at a time, until we made it through.
Since then, I’ve downshifted to my normal gear, where there’s space for my inner critic to jabber away again. But I’m learning to ignore it and redirect my thoughts to my braver moments, the times where I felt the fear and did it anyway.
To help build confidence, Marie Forleo recommends creating a “Hype File” (which Liz and Mollie call a “Smile File”) of your victories and the kind things people have said about you. I keep one in Google Docs, and I could stand to update it and read it more often. It reminds me that I’ve stepped up before and will do it again. I can afford to bet on myself, and when something unwelcome happens, I will handle it.
* How I’ve evolved: Recognizing that thoughts are not facts, and most of what my inner critic says to me is too harsh or simply untrue. Learning to answer it back with what a friend would say in my defense.
* How I’m evolving: Being more self-compassionate and giving myself credit for little victories and ways I’ve evolved. This morning I broke a glass and felt annoyed but didn't berate myself, which is progress!
--
If you’d like to join me for The Evolving 40:
- All are welcome. Jump in at any time.
- On the daily theme, think: “How have I evolved? How am I evolving?”
- Length and format are up to you.
- Post in the comments below or on your own social with the hashtag #evolving40.
- Whatever comes up is what’s meant to be.
